Sometimes all it takes to start a conversation when there is nothing to talk about is a funny dirty joke.
A dirty joke may always bring that spark back to an evening that has become dull, whether it is greeted by the moans that usually follow dad jokes or the gentle trickling of laughter that meets a clever pun.
The best thing about this collection of dirty jokes is that they are hilariously funny, to use on Reddit or as memes. Additionally, some of these jokes are short, funny and dirty, there isn’t much to memorize!
READ THIS NEXT: 80 Dirty Dark Jokes: Humor That Crosses the Line
Dirty Jokes questions and answers
1. What is the difference between “ooooooh”and “aaaaaaah”?
About three inches.
2. What do you call a guy with a small dick?
Just-in!
3. What’s the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year!
4. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
“I want you inside me.”
5. Did you hear about the guy who died because he was erect for too long?
They couldn’t close his casket.
6. What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut?
Tug-of-whore.
7. What is the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job still sucks.
8. Why men’s voice is louder than women’s?
Men have an antenna.
9. What’s the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
10. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
11. They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.
Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
12. My girlfriend asked me if I smoke after sex…
I said I haven’t looked.
13. What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
Your job still sucks!
14. What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber
15. What’s the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you stick the cucumber.
16. What did the clitoris say to the vulva?
It’s all good in the hood!
17. How do you make a pool table laugh?
Tickle its balls.
18. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
19. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
20. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?
Gum!
21. How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
22. What did the penis say to the condom?
Cover me, I’m going in
23. Which sexual position produces the ugliest kids?
Ask your mum!
24. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
25. What do electric trains and women’s breasts have in common?
They were originally intended for children, but it’s the men who play with them the most.
26. What is six inches long, two inches wide, and makes everyone go crazy?
A $100 bill.
27. What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?
A glad-he-ate-her.
28. What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?
Finding out it was traced.
29. What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
30. Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?
In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
31. What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
32. An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.
The dentist said, “I think you have the wrong room.” “You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied. “Now you have to remove them.”
33. Want to hear a joke about my penis?
Nevermind. It’s too long.
34. Who was the world’s first carpenter?
Eve, because she made Adams banana stand.
35. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball!
36. What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.
37. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off!
38. Why is sex like math?
You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.
39. What’s a lesbian’s love language?
Speaking in tongues.
40. A man and his family are staying at a hotel. The man asks the employee at the front desk if the adult channels are disabled.
No, it’s just regular p*rn, you sick f*ck.
41. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?
A private tutor!
42. A psychiatrist was testing a patient’s personality. He drew a circle on a paper.
And asked the patient, What does this remind you of?
The patient answered, Sex.
43. Did you fart? No, that was my butt blowing you a kiss.
I love you!
44. Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
45. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Best One Liner Dirty Jokes
We sincerely hope you’ve enjoyed our picks of dirty jokes so far! Let’s continue the list going with the best dirty jokes!
46. Please tell your tits to stop looking at my eyes.
47. Life is like a penis. Women make it hard for no reason.
48. Having sex in an elevator is wrong, on so many levels.
49. Your butt is nice but it would be nicer if it was on my lap.
50. Sex is like a burrito, don’t unwrap or that baby’s in your lap.
51. One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.” Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”
52. A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, “Depends what’s in it for me.”
53. Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
54. The best way to make your wife scream during sex is to ring her up and tell her where you are.
55. Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her… so I said yes.
56. A family’s driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry, dear. That was just an insect.” “Wow,” the boy replies. “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!”
57. I went to a meeting yesterday at my premature ejaculators’ support group. Turns out it’s tomorrow.
58. Google is a woman because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before it makes suggestions.
59. I saw a dildo for sale described as “nine inches long and realistic.” I thought: Which is it?
60. My mom thinks I`m gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
61. An Australian kiss – the same as a French kiss, but down under.
62. My neighbour has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.
63. “Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled. “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
64. I was watching a really weird porno the other day, which was just a really fat man crying and w***ing at the same time. Then I realised I hadn’t turned the telly on. – By Gary Delaney
65. A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
66. I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.
67. A worm crawls out of a pile of spaghetti and says: “Damn, that was one hell of a gang bang!”
68. I’m not a weatherman, but you can expect a few more inches tonight.
69. Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One turns to the other and says: I can’t believe I blew fifty bucks in there.
70. I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay. She said she didn’t have time.
Although some of the dirty and dark jokes are hilariously funny, Use them with caution in real life as they can make people upset.
If you wish to move on from puns and dirty jokes, but still want to keep laughing, we have more jokes and puns in the pipeline for you! Meanwhile, here are text slang words you can use while texting/chatting with someone!
