Welcome to the world of dark jokes! If you’re someone who loves to indulge in the twisted and macabre, then you’re in for a treat. In this article, we’ve compiled a list of 100 dark jokes that are guaranteed to make you laugh. These jokes are not for the faint of heart, but for those who have a wicked sense of humor and are not afraid to push the boundaries. So, buckle up and get ready to dive into the world of dark comedy.
What are dark jokes?
Dark jokes are jokes that make light of serious or taboo subjects such as death, sex, and violence. These jokes often use irony, sarcasm, and wordplay to deliver a punchline that is unexpected and humorous.
Why do people enjoy dark jokes?
People enjoy dark jokes because they provide a release from the stress and anxiety of everyday life. They allow us to confront our fears and anxieties in a safe and controlled environment. Dark humor can also be a way of coping with tragedy and trauma.
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The Best Dark Jokes
1. A man goes into a library and asks the librarian for a book on suicide. The librarian says ‘fuck off you won’t bring it back’
2. A guy goes into the library and asks the librarian “do you have the new book on small penises?” She replies “sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet.” He says, “yeah, that’s the one.”
3. “Siri, why am I still single?!” and Siri activates the front camera.
4. You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
5. My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
6. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
7. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
8. The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family
9. My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
10. Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
11. “Your generation is too reliant on technology,” said my grandpa. “No, your generation is too reliant on technology,” I retorted as I pulled the plug on his life support to further prove my point.
12. I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never look at me twice.
13. My Girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess for her birthday. So I took her out, got her drunk, and crashed the car.
14. My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.
15. Why don’t black people go on cruises? They’re not falling for that again.
16. What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip!
17. “Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!”
18. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
19. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
20. They say in every friend group there is one willing to commit murder.
I killed the guy I suspected before he could do any harm.
21. The lady at the job center: “I can offer you 3 positions.”
Me: “That’s very nice of you but what about a job?”
22. I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.
23. Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
24. I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.
25. My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, ”What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?’
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Check out these “Dirty Jokes” that will definitely make you chuckle.
26. Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”
Patient: “Give me the good news first.” Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.” Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?” Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”
27. Never break someone’s heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
28. My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!
29. I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
30. A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”
31. My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
32. I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
33. I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
34. What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
35. Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst.
36. I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake. … It was a bittersweet victory.
37. “Just say NO to drugs!” Well, If I’m talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
38. Why did Mozart hate all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”
39. A child determined to burn his home down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm across the mother and stated, “That’s arson.”
40. I have a fish that can breakdance. Just for 20 seconds though and only once.
41. Sex is like air. It only matters if you aren’t getting any.
42. If you think I would joke about Alzheimer’s, forget it.
43. Famous last words of a bomb disposal expert: “Yes, the red wire.”
44. Turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
45. I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning. Being a sniper is awesome.
46. My grandfather came back from the front line with one leg. We still don’t know who the leg belongs to.
47. “An excellent choice,” says the marriage officiant to the groom, “the lady is very popular, I’m already seeing her here for the fifth time!”
48. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
49. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
50. Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.
Dark Jokes that Push the Limits
51. I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.
52. The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
53. Why can’t orphans play baseball? Because they don’t know where home is.
54. My son asked me the other day how I feel about abortions. I told him to go ask his sister. He said, “I don’t have a sister”. There’s your answer.
55. Man: “I work with animals.” Woman: “That’s so sweet. I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?” Man: “I work in the butcher shop up the street.”
56. It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.
He was a great vet.
57. Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. “My friend isn’t breathing,” he shouts into the phone. “What should I do?” “Relax,” the operator tells him. “I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, “OK, now what?”
58. What did the cow say to the leather chair? “Hi, Mom!”
59. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
60. Patient: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”
Doctor: “To the morgue.”
Patient: “What? But I’m not dead yet!”
Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”
61. What’s the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn’t beat cancer.
62. What’s the similarity between a pregnant teen and the baby she is carrying?
Both are thinking, “shit, my mom is going to kill me.”
63. Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation. Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.
64. What is the one good thing about child molesters? They drive slowly in the school zones.
65. I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
66. What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children.
67. I’m really conflicted about abortion. I mean, I’m all for killing babies, but do we really want to give women the right to choose?
68. Stop being scared of the dark. That’s racist.
69. What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boy’s face after he turns 12.
70. My grief counselor died. He was so good; I didn’t even care.
71. Mexico does not have an Olympic team because everybody can run, jump, and swim into the US.
72. My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
73. What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You can hang the picture with just one nail.
74. What’s the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick? The hockey player changes his pads after three periods.
75. Wife: Honey, I’m pregnant
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
Wife: No, you’re not
Unapologetically Dark Jokes
76. Dark humour is like food, not everyone gets it.
77. My girlfriend, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die. “Usually an overdose,” I told her.
78. Why do black people only have nightmares? We shot the only one with a dream.
79. My mother said one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Turns out I’m adopted.
80. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my brother
81. They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
82. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.
83. A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”
Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”
84. Child: “Oh daddy, I love you so much!” / Reply: “Until the paternity test comes back, I’m Robert to you.”
85. What do all suicide bombers have in common? None of them are willing to die alone.
86. Today I found my first grey pubic hair. I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the elevator.
87. I masturbate because I’m the only person with standards low enough to fuck me.
88. Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn’t close his casket.
89. What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.
90. They say makeup sex is the best… Which is lucky because all my sex is made up.
91. Learning my toaster wasn’t waterproof was a shock.
92. Titanic: “I’m nominating all passengers for the ice bucket challenge.”
93. How many babies do you need to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.
94. I don’t understand why horror movies make digging a grave look so easy. It usually takes me days.
95. I finally got one of those roof boxes for the car. It’s so practical! I can barely hear my kids now.
96. Child: “Mommy! Mommy! I found Daddy!” / Mom: “How many times do I have to tell you to not dig around in the garden!?”
97. My great-aunt’s star sign was cancer which makes her death so ironic. She was eaten by a giant crab.
98. A man thought he was going to die when the doctor told him, “you’ll be at peace soon.” The doctor meant the man’s wife was dying.
99. I asked my partner if I was the only one she’s been with. She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights.”
100. If at first, you don’t succeed… then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
We hope that our collection of 100 dark jokes has left you in stitches. Dark humor may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but for those who appreciate it, it can be a way to find humor in even the darkest of situations. Remember, laughter is the best medicine, so keep the jokes coming and never lose your sense of humor. Get your daily dose of laughter now with 100 Dark Jokes for the Wickedly Funny!